Los Angeles -California
Hello, my name is Sarah. I was born in Los Angeles, CA in 1976. I have one brother 8 yrs older than me. Unfortunately we don't speak. He is not saved and wants nothing to do with Jesus.
We were raised by a Catholic mother and a semi-Christian father who didn't care to teach us religion. He had always said that he knew the Bible, but didn't teach it to us or believe in truly following Christ.
My mother was the oldest of 17 and was raped and very abused growing up. She and my father got together at age 14 and got married at 17. They had my brother at 20, and me at 28.
By the time I was born, my Mother was already plagued by demons. She was in and out of the mental hospital regularly and taking tons of pills, Lithium being the main one. She was extremely abusive and tried to kill me once when I was 4. She also tried to kill herself regularly throughout my childhood and blamed my father, brother and myself. It was very difficult for all of us.
When I was a teenager, and older, she became "malicious" and would intentionally befriend girls that she knew didn't like me or that my boyfriend had cheated on me with.This not only hurt me very much, but caused me to not trust anyone and have extremely low self esteem and fear.
I got with my first husband at 13. We met at a backyard death metal gig. He seemed so familiar that I latched onto him right away. Little did I know how horrendous this relationship would become. I was extremely lost and had no one to turn to, so things just continued to get worse.
When I was a child I had gone to Catholic catechism, made my Holy Communion, and even went to Christian (Baptist) camp during the summers. It was at camp that l learned of the real Jesus and I wanted so bad to follow Him, but my home life was like Amityville Horror daily, and I was far from where I needed to be and couldn't do it alone no matter how hard I tried.
Needless to say, I stayed with the abusive boy. I did drugs, ditched, drank, played the ouija board, had sex, hung out with gang members and metal heads, got VERY involved in Astrology and Palmistry...you name it. Anything wrong and I did it. My dad used to even take me to his church going psychic lady to have readings done. I believed that because she was at a church this was okay. We didn't read the Bible, so I didn't know any better.
My mother dabbled in pretty much everything alongside the Catholicism. New Age, Course in Miracles, Yoga (she was a teacher at one point), etc.
I KNEW that these things were wrong in my heart, but for some reason I couldn't understand why I felt this constant falling into darker darkness, if that makes sense. I wanted out but didn't understand the Way.
A lot of my friends died when I was a teenager, and really scary things would happen to all of us due to the bad choices we were making. Yet, by the Grace of God I am still here. I was completely unloved, even by the people that I thought loved me, but God was always there.
When I was 16 I became pregnant. The boyfriend told me that if I didn't get an abortion he would punch me in the stomach until the baby died. He made the appointment and took me. I felt overwhelmed and didn't want to be there, but had no one to tell that was willing to help me. By that time my father and I had moved away from my mother because the state finally got involved, but it was way too late for me. I had also noticed that my father was sick and didn't want to hurt him or make it worse, so I just went along with it.
At the clinic I refused to give a urine sample because I really didn't want to do it and began to panic. I didn't want the abortion. I new it was wrong. I even considered jumping out the second story window to avoid going through with it, but it was gated. In the end I walked into the room and let them put me under and it happened. All of the staff sickly reassured me that everything was "for the best". It was not. It turned out they overdosed me and it took 4 hours for them to wake me from the anesthesia.
Well, while I was under something happened. I had a vision. I was weeping on my knees in a room that was so bright that I couldn't look up. A large hand went under my face with my dead baby on it and a stern voice said, "Sarah, what have you done?". I IMMEDIATELY began begging Him to put it back, and I promised that I would never do that again. I knew that it was God and was weeping. I repeated this over and over, apparently even in real life even though I was under the anesthesia.
When I finally woke up I realized that my nightmare had only begun because the baby was really gone. I was sorrowful and I mourned. After that day I was not the same I became a different person.
I had always worked since I was 14 and taken care of myself (was a runaway on and off for years too), but after this, even though I was working, I just sort of wandered through life not caring. I tried to get myself together, break up with the scary guy and even go back to my high school, but about 9 months later I was pregnant again. Yes, by the same abusive boyfriend. I had JUST finally broken it off with him long enough for him to stop stalking me. But then I found I was pregnant and I told him. He said what I wanted to hear at the time and I bought it. He cut his long hair, I paid to help him become a security guard, and I started working even harder to prepare for the baby. I even finished high school early through home study. My dad was unhappy, but supported my decision. He had no idea how bad my boyfriend really was...or maybe he did, but he was getting more sick and couldn't deal with it.
I'll speed this up or it will go on forever. Long story short I ended up having to move in with him shortly after the baby was born. The abuse got worse over the years. My Catholic grandmother told me that if I didn't baptize the baby, she (the baby) would go to hell. So I called up the local priest where I'd made my communion as a child. He told me that because I was living in sin, and not a member of the church he wouldn't baptize her. I got upset and called another priest at a different church. He said the SAME THING. So I asked him, "Where is it in the Bible that you have to baptize your baby?" He told me that I couldn't read the Bible because it was only for priests to read and teach the people with. Then I began questioning family members. "What page is it on"? No one could answer. I was so upset that no one knew the Bible that I gave up for almost a year and decided that maybe I wasn't Catholic anymore.
Ironically, my brother was in jail and had sent me a jail version of the New Testament which was very easy for me to read. Not too long after that I was working in customer service at the bank (graveyard shift) and had a lot of time to read....so I did. I read the New Testament from Matthew to Revelation.
It had nothing about baptizing your baby! I couldn't BELIEVE how much I had been lied to my whole life about Jesus!
That was the beginning of my journey with Jesus. It has been very difficult with many ups and downs and a lot of persecution, but I wouldn't trade it for the world! Jesus has given me the peace that surpasses all understanding and I finally know Who I belong to.
My marriage to that not so fine gentleman lasted until I was 30. He came back from Iraq after our 4th child was born (he always wanted me to abort the babies but since I refused he would get more abusive) and one day he beat me so badly and nearly to death and threatened to kill all of the children who were in the house. As he beat me I was saying out loud "Jesus, help me". The strength was literally drawn out of my husband. The air was thick and I could FEEL the Lord's presence. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't even knock me out. When he went upstairs to get the gun, I was miraculously able to get the children in the car and drive away within 45 seconds. It was a true miracle. My knees were messed up from the beating, and my head looked like a warped basketball.
He got arrested but they slapped him on the wrist. We went to court for 8 years. He still stalks me but it is harder for him now.
He had made us homeless at one point and even began abusing teenage girls.
My church took us in and helped me get on my feet for 2 years.
I had remarried two years after I left the first husband. It was not only to soon, but I didn't know what I was doing. We had a daughter together. This too, became an abusive situation, but God is merciful and led us out of that as well.
When I was 25 my father became bed bound after having been on life support twice. He had COPD from smoking (and he was in Laos for the agent orange...:/ ). I took care of him for more than a year until he died at 54. I was a daddy's girl and this was so hard for me. I also worked full time and had 3 kids at the time, as well as my abusive husband.
Then, when I was 37 after I had my youngest I was separated from my second husband and my mother fell deathly ill and required multiple surgeries. I brought her home from the hospital and was her hospice nurse for a week until she passed. I had all of the kids (the baby was 10 mos old) and zero support from the second husband. I was also working a 48 hour graveyard shift and the kids would help watch her at night. Thankfully, I was there when she passed.
My brother only came to have her sign papers that he thought would get him money prior to her passing. He got none.
This is only a fraction of my journey, but all of us have a story. Praise Jesus that He brings us through and draws us together for encouragement.
My prayer is that whoever is reading this will reach out to Him now, knowing that He forgives all who seek Him.
There is nothing so bad that can separate us from His love.
Behold, He stands at the door and knocks.
Even so, Come Lord Jesus.
God Bless. ❤️